Being Real: Life After Trauma

I was really angry this past week! Angry about the pain I am in, that I cannot get any relief from some of the injuries I sustained from being rear-ended, angry that I decided to take a different route home from work the day of the accident ... just angry. 

Monday - I was fine-ish .... except I couldn't paint as long as I wanted to because of my mid/low back pain.

Then Tuesday came - I was running late - and that sort of set the tone for the day... I woke up late, took a shower, by the time I got done, it was 6:15 am - I have PT at 6:30 am - and I hadn't even gotten my breakfast, lunch, or coffee together and it takes about 20 min to get to PT - maybe 15 if traffic is light... I can already feel myself getting full of anxiety.  So I stop. I take a deep breath, cancel my PT appt and regroup.  I finish getting everything together and head out to work.  I merge onto the thruway and a car comes FLYING up on me and almost rear-ends me - I'm freaking out, of course, because there is an 18-wheeler next to me carrying huge boulders and I have no place to go, but thankfully the idiot slammed on his breaks and I was able to slow down just enough to merge over to the lane I needed to go to.  THEN I'm apparently not going fast enough because a big SUV harshly pulls out from behind me and then quickly cuts back in front of me, missing my front end by a few inches.  At this point, I'm so full of anxiety, I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry... but I didn't. I finally make it to work.  Take a deep breath and thank the Lord that I made it there without incident. Then it was just one thing after another... I was getting annoyed and irritated at things I would normally just brush off.   Then the drive home was HORRENDOUS!!!!!  Traffic backed up for miles, stop. wait. go. stop. wait. go. stop. wait. go, no, wait, stop. ok, go now. stop. go. slow down. stop. go. stop. go. slow down. go. The whole time my anxiety is just building and building as I try to just let things go.  Thank goodness I turned on my angry girl music (P!nk playlist) for my ride home, because her music always helps me calm down (ironic, I know... just go with it LOL).  FINALLY, I make it home and put everything down, sit on the couch, and just take a deep breath to push it away. 

Wednesday.... I wake up in so much pain. Anxiety really does not do the body good. 

By Thursday, when I go to PT, I am in so much pain, I am practically in tears.  

Friday ... I go to the chiropractor, and he adjusts me and I start to feel a tiny bit better.  

Saturday - I go for a massage, which helps only a little ... but I'm still in pain - and have noticed as the week progressed I was becoming angrier and angrier - I just couldn't shake it... so I painted it. And I released it all out.  

Sunday (today), I am still in pain, but the anger has mostly dissipated and I am going to begin on the next project of my art therapy, but this was the end result of my angry painting.

All of the nerves coming off my spine are out of control and some are angry. I have tried to make this image as large as possible so you can see the detail, but within the vertebra of the spine, I have marked where I am fused at C5-C6/C6-C7 and where I have a herniated disc (L5-S1) with pinched nerves causing pins and needles down my legs and into my feet, that I am REALLY hoping I do not need surgery on (so far, it's not looking so good). 

Envision your world - A dream board

This is the second project in my journey of art therapy from the "Create Your Life Book" by Tamara Laporte. 

This project invites you to create a dream board collage that can help you clarify and maintain focus to achieve a specific life goal project or dream.

An exploration of thinking into the future and creating affirmations for my life. I focused on the past few years and really thought about what I would like to manifest in my life.  

I decided to not go with a collage for this project, instead, I chose an image that represented how I wish to move forward past my anxiety.

The image I painted is representative of balance within the entire embodiment of my soul.

For balance one must understand how to align each core section of the body.

The root chakra, represented by the color red and located at the base of the spine, is 
where the security and power base are energized.

"I am safe"

Aligning the root chakra gives you the ability to feel calm, safe, grounded, and secure.

The sacral chakra, represented by the color orange and located 2" below the belly button, is where your emotions, creativity, sensitivity, sexuality, emotional wellness, and self-expression are energized.

"I am creative"

Aligning the sacral chakra gives you the ability to maintain control over everything 

that makes you vulnerable.

 

The solar plexus chakra, represented by the color yellow and located between the navel and the sternum, is where your personal power, self-esteem, and confidence are energized.

"I am strong, confident, motivated, and powerful"
Aligning the solar plexus chakra gives you the ability to tap into the light of 1000 Suns 

that exists within you.

The heart chakra, represented by the color green and located at the center of the chest, 
is where transformation and love are energized.

"I am love, kindness, compassion, 

healthy, and healing"

Aligning the heart chakra gives you the ability to give and receive love, compassion, expansion, empathy, service to others, kindness, health, and healing.

 

The throat chakra, represented by the color blue and located at the base of the throat, 
is where your voice is energized.

"I speak my truth"
Aligning the throat chakra gives you the ability to earnestly express yourself and 

clearly communicate your intentions.

 
The third eye chakra, represented by the color indigo and located at the center of your forehead between your eyebrows, is where your perception, awareness, and spiritual communication are energized.

"I see the world in a whole new light"

Aligning the third eye chakra gives you the ability to connect to your intuition, inner vision, and higher consciousness.

The crown chakra, represented by the color violet and located 2 inches above the top of 

your head, is where the bridge to the cosmos is energized.

"I am enlightened"

Aligning the crown chakra gives you the ability to radiate infinitely upward and outward, connect you to your soul, your higher self, your purpose, your universe source, and the divine.

I have painted the Lotus flower in three stages and colors.

The purple Lotus flower is in the lower right hand corner, represents self awakening. It is painted closed for the understanding of the natural process of making friends with my anxiety, and knowing this journey will ebb and flow, but I can control this as I have awakened to receiving the signals from the universe that my anxiety represents. 

The blue Lotus flower centrally located on the left side, represents wisdom, knowledge, and the ability to control things over emotions.  It is painted partially open to represent the path I am on to making friends with my anxiety and knowing this is a part of the healing process.

The pink Lotus flower at the top of the painting, represents enlightenment. It is painted in full bloom to honor my goal of being able to move past this stage.

I have painted the image as a faceless woman to represent a path of going in new directions.

As in every meditation session, I have surrounded this representation of my journey with making friends with my anxiety with a white light surrounded (it may be difficult to see in this photo of my painting, but the woman in the painting is painted using white metallic paint) and by rainbow light to protect my journey from negativity. 

Namaste

The Zentangle Butterfly - Taking Stock Of What's Holding You Back

This is the first project in my journey of art therapy from the "Create Your Life Book" by Tamara Laporte. 

This project invites you to explore areas that hold you back from living your best life.  While I am extremely happy in my life, there are a few things that have been holding me back since my accident in 2019.  These include: 

• anxiety
• panic
• fear
• stress
• body image (extra weight)
• out of control thoughts

As I reflected on these things and vowed to myself to let them go, I also envisioned what to bring with me:

• control
• creativity
• love for myself
• confidence

All of these manifested into this piece of art therapy:

I also created a bit of a bucket list for myself for 2021:

• Learn to draw
• Fine-tune my watercolor technique
• Work on creative lettering
• Get back into photographing nature
• Publish a book (this project is already in the works, but may not be done this year - BUT it's started!!!!)

I must say, art therapy is a wonderful thing! So helpful and gives me a creative outlet! I never would have thought I would have fallen in love with watercolor, which would drive me to want to learn how to draw!  It is an amazing feeling!

Making Friends With My Anxiety

 Time to let it all out. 

In Oct 2019, I was in a car accident...rear ended while stopped at a red light. 19 year old kid going fast enough to deploy his airbags. This is my journey begins.... well, kind of... Let’s backtrack just a bit... On my birthday in 2019, mom went in for a surgery where they found cancer.... in my mom!!! I had to keep it together, because, well, that’s what I do. I’m the strong one. Then comes the accident...

This accident basically put me in so much daily pain, I could not do the things I love... photography, writing, meal prep... couldn’t even clean my house for more than a few minutes at a time because of the pain. 

Then... my grandfather got sick... and they found he had cancer. Too much to handle? To say the least ... add to that the demands of my newly evolving position at work and my dire need to excel at everything I do.

I was S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D!!!!!!! But, I carried on. Good news came when we heard the news that mom is officially cancer free!!! But then grandpa took a turn for the worse. Then, COVID hit 🤦🏻‍♀️ and our entire world changed. 

Sept 2020, I had failed all conservative treatment options and we decided on neck surgery. My surgeon did a beautiful job on the incision and my neck has never felt better ... now we are working on the low back pain.... who knows where that will end up, but I am still trying conservative treatments for that (not helping, BTW). Then in November 2020, grandpa passed away at 91. This was probably the worst death for me to process, because I had gotten so close to him over the last 11 years and making memories with him and my girls. This time, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep it together... thank goodness for my wonderfully understanding and supportive husband... I didn’t have to be the strong one, he was my strength. My mom had been the primary caregiver to him since he got sick and the toll it was taking was difficult to watch, but she pulled through like a champ and took care of business. It was hard to visit with him, due to his respiratory issues and the risk of COVID being brought into the house, so we visited sparingly, and the one thing I am most grateful for is that my girls got to spend one on one time with him the week preceding his death.  

So, there you have everything I am willing to share that led up to what happened next:

ANXIETY ... PANIC .... FEAR 

So much so, that it literally manifested into full body unbearable pain. The pain I felt was like being thrown into the fire with a billion bees stinging you while you are trying to run away from the bear that is chasing you.... and no, I’m not exaggerating the pain description. I couldn’t sit, stand, lay down, move, stay still. This was something I knew nothing about. I’ve never dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. So I was put on some anxiety medication to help... and it did... for a little while. Until the thought of driving again was so overwhelming, I would literally stuff my face with food to try to stuff the anxiety away (I’m sure I don’t need to say that DOES NOT work!) so now, I’ve gained weight that I cannot lose (I’m working on it, though). 

I have no control over these thoughts... also something I had never experienced. I have always been in control of my thoughts, especially since incorporating the serenity prayer into my life about 13 years ago. 

So I started to look for a therapist that accepted No Fault insurance (there isn’t many - I’ve only found one). She couldn’t get me in for about a month and a half, but gave me some tools to try while I was waiting on our first appointment.

During that time, I tried meditating, which only made the anxiety worse, because I still wasn’t able to control my thoughts... so, I started doing art therapy ... and found a profound connection with watercolor painting. I had found something that helped control my thoughts, to an extent. Then I had my first appt with the therapist where I was explaining all of the things that was going on and she related my love of learning about the brain to being able to control my thoughts. You see, anxiety is stored in the amygdala, and then she said something that resonated with me, unlike anything else in my quest to conquer my anxiety. She said, ‘Make friends with your anxiety.’ I thought on that for a few days and then I started to paint. The first painting I did, I was trying to push my anxiety from the creative side of my brain, up and around to the logical side of my brain.... this was the result:

This is when I realized I couldn’t just move it out of the creative side over to the logical side, instead I had to let it ebb and flow ... to make friends with it. After several thoughts, erasing, drawing, erasing, and drawing again, I finally found the continuity my brain needed to focus and begin to control the anxious and panicked thoughts. This is the result:

The thoughts exploding out of my logical side and the concise precision of my creative process, bound together in unity that says “Be Strong, Believe”. When I look at these two pieces together, it shows me how I can control the anxiety and panic, not by pushing it away, but by acknowledging it’s presence, thanking it for the reminder, and knowing that I have control. 

I’ve also come to realize that I needed to set aside me time everyday, which I have been doing, every day ... since the completion of the second painting. I have found that I have less stress, less anxiety, and each day I am finding more and more control. 

I am not ashamed to put this out there. I feel that it needs to be talked about... mental health. Mental health is not something to be stigmatized, it should be open and honest communication about it. Don’t hide it, don’t try to push it away... let’s start a conversation.