Time to let it all out.
In Oct 2019, I was in a car accident...rear ended while stopped at a red light. 19 year old kid going fast enough to deploy his airbags. This is my journey begins.... well, kind of... Let’s backtrack just a bit... On my birthday in 2019, mom went in for a surgery where they found cancer.... in my mom!!! I had to keep it together, because, well, that’s what I do. I’m the strong one. Then comes the accident...
This accident basically put me in so much daily pain, I could not do the things I love... photography, writing, meal prep... couldn’t even clean my house for more than a few minutes at a time because of the pain.
Then... my grandfather got sick... and they found he had cancer. Too much to handle? To say the least ... add to that the demands of my newly evolving position at work and my dire need to excel at everything I do.
I was S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D!!!!!!! But, I carried on. Good news came when we heard the news that mom is officially cancer free!!! But then grandpa took a turn for the worse. Then, COVID hit 🤦🏻♀️ and our entire world changed.
Sept 2020, I had failed all conservative treatment options and we decided on neck surgery. My surgeon did a beautiful job on the incision and my neck has never felt better ... now we are working on the low back pain.... who knows where that will end up, but I am still trying conservative treatments for that (not helping, BTW). Then in November 2020, grandpa passed away at 91. This was probably the worst death for me to process, because I had gotten so close to him over the last 11 years and making memories with him and my girls. This time, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep it together... thank goodness for my wonderfully understanding and supportive husband... I didn’t have to be the strong one, he was my strength. My mom had been the primary caregiver to him since he got sick and the toll it was taking was difficult to watch, but she pulled through like a champ and took care of business. It was hard to visit with him, due to his respiratory issues and the risk of COVID being brought into the house, so we visited sparingly, and the one thing I am most grateful for is that my girls got to spend one on one time with him the week preceding his death.
So, there you have everything I am willing to share that led up to what happened next:
ANXIETY ... PANIC .... FEAR
So much so, that it literally manifested into full body unbearable pain. The pain I felt was like being thrown into the fire with a billion bees stinging you while you are trying to run away from the bear that is chasing you.... and no, I’m not exaggerating the pain description. I couldn’t sit, stand, lay down, move, stay still. This was something I knew nothing about. I’ve never dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. So I was put on some anxiety medication to help... and it did... for a little while. Until the thought of driving again was so overwhelming, I would literally stuff my face with food to try to stuff the anxiety away (I’m sure I don’t need to say that DOES NOT work!) so now, I’ve gained weight that I cannot lose (I’m working on it, though).
I have no control over these thoughts... also something I had never experienced. I have always been in control of my thoughts, especially since incorporating the serenity prayer into my life about 13 years ago.
So I started to look for a therapist that accepted No Fault insurance (there isn’t many - I’ve only found one). She couldn’t get me in for about a month and a half, but gave me some tools to try while I was waiting on our first appointment.
During that time, I tried meditating, which only made the anxiety worse, because I still wasn’t able to control my thoughts... so, I started doing art therapy ... and found a profound connection with watercolor painting. I had found something that helped control my thoughts, to an extent. Then I had my first appt with the therapist where I was explaining all of the things that was going on and she related my love of learning about the brain to being able to control my thoughts. You see, anxiety is stored in the amygdala, and then she said something that resonated with me, unlike anything else in my quest to conquer my anxiety. She said, ‘Make friends with your anxiety.’ I thought on that for a few days and then I started to paint. The first painting I did, I was trying to push my anxiety from the creative side of my brain, up and around to the logical side of my brain.... this was the result:
This is when I realized I couldn’t just move it out of the creative side over to the logical side, instead I had to let it ebb and flow ... to make friends with it. After several thoughts, erasing, drawing, erasing, and drawing again, I finally found the continuity my brain needed to focus and begin to control the anxious and panicked thoughts. This is the result:
